Loves Me...Loves Me Not

I am a little crazy about Hama beads at the moment, I just love the way that you can make really sweet designs with them and then fuse them together, creating a long lasting design. I have been making quite a few of these large hearts in different colours, because I think they rock and thats all the excuse I need to sit making them (instead of doing the washing up!)
I have not been feeling too good again lately, although I have joined the gym, I have been feeling quite down, just generally, and etsy is keeping me sane. I find it helps to have something else to focus on, and making jewelery has been the perfect outlet.

I don't think I am going to be doing much today, I was hoping a very late parcel would arrive, but yet again, the postal system has failed me. I might pop out a bit later, just to get some fresh air. Then I shall return and probably spend more time making necklaces :)

I Love London Town

I came back home on Thursday for a few days, just to see family and spend some time with those who I usually spend time missing. I like coming back and although in the past coming back has sometimes reminded me of who I was, and who I no longer am, I have lots of very fond memories of being here, so many wonderful memories in fact.

Yesterday me and my brother Matthew went into London (about half an hour from where I live into the centre of the hustling bustling city) and I had a really lovely day. I have always had a fantastic relationship with Matthew, hes everything I wish I was, and I admire him greatly. I don't think the relationship I have with him is like any other relationship in my life, we have never argued and we get on like best friends, which is really cool and very refreshing to come home to.

London will always have a place in my heart, it is the place I used to dream of working and living, and its where I fell in love and met the person of my dreams. The cobbled side streets, park benches, red buses and newspaper stands make me feel alive, like I am in a place where things happen. We walked around and joked about, referring to things that have happened and good times. We jumped on a bus at Strand and went through St Pauls and Bank, the places where me and Carl, my boyfriend spent hours upon hours together when he would travel down for the day to see me.

I really do love London. There are many things that I don't like about London, but there are too many good memories there. I hope one day I can live out that dream of working in the big city for a magazine or newspaper, its an expensive dream, but would be worth it.

I almost forgot...

I was thinking about my blog tonight, well, about how I utilise it, and realised I spend very little time talking about my shop and the jewelery I make, and instead harp on about my head and the current state of my mind.

I have become very passionate about making jewelery and the things that I make are certainly an extension of my personality, reflecting me as a person and the things I enjoy and like. I have also found that putting energy and focus into my etsy store has allowed me to feel more accomplished and validated, kind of like I am serving a purpose.

I have recently made lots of new items, and although etsy seems to be in some kind of meltdown at the moment, with sales seriously down and out, I have thoroughly enjoyed crafting and listing my items.

I have particularly fallen head over heels in love with Hama beads, the design possibilities are endless and the process of designing and creating is very theraputic in fact. I love large, bold designs like the above large heart necklace in pink.

I have listed quite a few new hama goodies and hopefully they will do well. As long as creating is keeping me feeling positive, thats the most I can wish for.

So...this is what progress feels like...

For the longest time, I thought I was out of control. Like-really, really out of control. I felt as though my life was being lived by someone else, I was mearly watching in on the chaos as it happened right in front of me. Able to cringe and watch in sadness as this y0ung girl ruined her life, but unable to stop her as she was so hell bent on fucking everything up. The person that I was watching was in fact me, I just felt it was easier to disassociate myself with her, and stand back from things. Watching someone else fuck their life up is way easier than watching you fuck your own life up, afterall.

I have come to realise however, I was in control, I was just doing things in the opposite way to how I should have been. In order to feel in control, I would abuse myself and allow myself to take control in a way that I thought was easier. It was not easier however, in fact, in the end, it was hard waking up even, feeling so useless and worthless.

I have begun taking control in the right way now though. I have been going to the gym three times a week and my whole relationship with food and my body has changed. In order to feel in control I no longer gorge myself on food until I feel the need to throw up everywhere. I no longer eat and then look at myself in the mirror wishing I could reach inside my stomach and rip every ounce of food I had just consumed out. I no longer sneak out an buy chocolates and ready meals to eat when I am alone, in hope that feeling full will provide me with that instant gratification that I always thought it did.

I have started to take control, but instead of abusing myself and allowing myself to fall into the same traps I always used to, I have taken a new pro actove approach, and boy, it feels good.

Slowly the burdens on my mind have slowly started to melt away. I don't look at a beautiful person in a magazine anymore with despair, I am safe in the knowledge that I am doing all i can to be as beautiful as I can possibly be.

I feel resentment for the old me, the girl I was watching on all of them occassions. The girl that thought progress was sitting with a bag full of sweets on her lap. I am through with her, and through with feeling in control but not really having any control whatsover. I am feeling the benefits of this already. Long may this feeling last.

Brought back down to earth

Sometimes it helps to see beauty; real, raw beauty-in order to realise life can be beautiful.
Sitting looking out at a beautiful sunset usually brings me back down to earth and makes me feel privlidged and blessed to witness such spectacular things. Having someone sitting next to me that loves me and takes care of me also makes me feel as though I have a lot to be thankful for. I forget this so much of the time, and live in a very dark place a lot of the time. Perhaps thats why moments like this have so much significance. They are untouched moments, that remind me I am here.

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway........Or Something Like That.....

I think I am most certainly the kind of person that has to reach breaking point before they make any changes to their life. I am not someone that grabs every opportunity by the throat and strangles it, I quietly go insane until something inside me changes.
A few days ago that happened. Something inside me made me look in the mirror at myself and ask myself 'How the hell did I get like this'? It was there and then that I decided, I need to take this big, ugly bull by the horns and do something about this! So, I joined the gym.

Yes, I know, joining the gym, big deal, loads of people join the gym when they are feeling fat and useless, in order to make themselves lose a bit of weight, and live with the knowledge that they are a proud member of the gym and this therefore means they are fit, or fitness aware.

The thing is, I have wanted to do this for such a long time, in fact I joined over a year ago, but never went, because I was petrified of going. I knew my anxiety would be through the roof if I went and it wasn't worth the upset and worry it would cause me. I know however, that my thought patterns are often unnecessary and unrealistic, and the only reason I didn't want to go was because I was scared of the unknown. I associate sport and exercise with being at school.

I hated any physical activity at school. I was crap. Period. So putting myself through that kind of shit again would make no sense. I realised though, I am there to make a positive change, the same reason that other people are there, to get fit, lose the love handles and walk out feeling like you are taking control of your life.

I decided that if I cannot stand the reflection staring back at me, how can I expect anyone else to like me, surely you must feel some element of self assurance and self belief before you can expect others to believe in you. I am nervous, but I am nervous about everything that involves being around other people or being in a situation whereby someone might judge me, and that will never change unless I start facing these situations.

I am starting CBT too, which kind of goes hand in hand with this and I guess in some ways I am putting the CBT into practise before I have even started it, by putting myself into a feared situation and learning how to cope whilst being there.

I think I must have scoffed when I read 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' as I remember thinking the title was easier said than done, but in reality, there are two options, you can sit inside and hide from the things that worry you, or you can feel the fear and do it anyway-which will probably result in you realising you had no reason to be afraid in the first place.

Unwanted Obligations And A Wonderful Weekend

I have not blogged for a few days, not that I haven't wanted to. I did start this will the intention of using it as a journal like outlet, where I can express everything that has been on my mind, but on Friday, I was pretty mad about something, and my post would have been nothing but vile name calling, which would have only of made me feel more mad than I already did!

Feeling so unhappy however, and as a result of a family member made me think. I have been unhappy with this person for as long as I can remember and our relationship has never been 'normal'. It has always been forced, and out of obligation, neither of us have anything in common and there has been wrong done on both sides, it just feels as though things will have to come to a head in order for our relationship to stop having such a hold over me.

Its incredibly hard though. Family is family. You can't choose them, if you could, well-that would be great, but unfortunately thats not how it works. Friends we can choose, yes-but sadly, having social anxiety means I find making friends incredibly hard and I therefore put alot more emphasis on the few relationships I do have in my life.

I wondered whether it was truely wrong to want to cut someone out of your life, someone that you know will only ever plague things and make situations hard. Someone that has never shown a real interest in you, and has only ever put you down. I began wondering, would it make me a bad person to never want to see this person again? They are afterall, family.

I don't think it does. Not when I know how much of a nasty person they can be. Nobody should feel tied to someone that is horrible and malicious to others. So why do I feel defeated by them all the time? Why do I feel as though I am going to be punished for not having a relationship with them?

Anyway, other than feeling livid most of Friday, my weekend was pretty cool. I spent Saturday with Carl, and we had a nice time together, and on Sunday we cooked a kick ass lamb roast dinner and then went for a drive to New Brighton to take some photographs of the stunning sunset.

I realised at the weekend, the few relationships I do have in my life, the few good ones that is, are important, and need to be looked after. I have three people that I think the absolute world of, my Carl, my mum and my brother. And without them, I would be lost, as they define me and make me feel valued and worth something, even if I feel pretty worthless a lot of the time.

I just hope I can start being a better person and make the most of the time I have here. The weekend was worth every second.